Title: Born To Die
Genre: YA dytopian fiction
Axia lives by one motto: kick-ass and don’t ask questions. As a genetically-engineered gladiator, she is used to entertain the crowds, a tamed and controlled killing puppet. The System, the hierarchical echelon dictating everyone’s place in society, has only created her to fight, blades and needles included. But when her master betrays her, Axia finds herself questioning The Rules for the first time.
Her master notices her new found independence and as a remorseful favor allows her to win her freedom. She is released and builds a life out of the arena, falls in love and buries her past. But soon, she discovers she has abilities beyond her planned creation, resulting from illegally tampered genes.
As she second-guesses who she really is, her creator hunts her down to fulfill the secret project for which she was created: he wants her to kill The System’s ruler. Axia now has to choose between leaving her past behind and seeking a revenge she never knew possible.
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Stephanie, when I read this I wanted to email you straight away and tell you how much I loved it. Your pitch gave me Goosebumps.
ReplyDeleteThis has everything I want in a dystopia. You paint a really strong picture of Axia, so much so, I can see her in stranding victorious in a dusty arena.
The last line threw me a little.
'Axia now has to choose between leaving her past behind and seeking a revenge she never knew possible.'
Does she have any choice in the matter of Killing The System's ruler, or can she stop herself? Have her genes been programmed to kill him no matter what?
My only other nit-picky critique is '...and seeking revenge...' could be changed to '...or seeking revenge...'
This is a book I would read and love.
What an interesting dystopian premise! I’m hooked on all things in this genre right now, so I enjoyed this query. The first paragraph is very clear and I love the first line, definitely gets across her voice.
ReplyDeleteI admit to being a little confused between her master betraying her, and then he notices her independence? I feel like I missed a plot point. How is she more independent after the betrayal? Also how were genes illegally tampered and how did she find out?
For the last paragraph I think you can take out "he wants her to" and leave it at "kill The System’s ruler."
The last sentence felt confusing "seeking a revenge she never knew possible." Revenge is usually something personal. Maybe more like "seeking a task she never could have foreseen" or something similar.
Axia lives by one motto: kick-ass and don’t ask questions. As a genetically-engineered gladiator, she is used to entertain the crowds, a tamed and controlled killing puppet. The System, the hierarchical echelon dictating everyone’s place in society, has only created her to fight, blades and needles included. But when her master betrays her,(how?) Axia finds herself questioning The Rules for the first time.
ReplyDeleteHer master notices her (newfound) independence and as a remorseful favor allows her to win her freedom.(not clear on his motives - what is he remorseful over? why does he owe her a favor?) She is released and builds a life out of the arena, falls in love and buries her past. (Well, if that's all set-up, you can condense it.)
But soon, she discovers she has abilities beyond her planned creation,(how is her creation an ability? awkward wording) resulting from illegally tampered genes.
As she second-guesses who she really is, her creator hunts her down to fulfill the secret project for which she was created: he wants her to kill The System’s ruler. Axia now has to choose between leaving her past behind and seeking a revenge she never knew possible. (cliche.)
Hm. So does the novel focus on Axia's life outside the arena? Neat premise, but could stand some tinkering to make it clearer.
Good luck!
SOOO into this Stephanie. Want to read it. LOL!!! typo* she is used to entertaining the crowds* Who does she kill? Are blades and needles her weapon...I'm seeing her swinging these about and slashing someone---tigers? bears? Other engineered one's(do they have a cool name)? Who is her master, does he teacher her, does he have a name? A name MIGHT be easier. Now, out of the arena... was she locked up, and who the heck does she fall in love with! A super hottie, a regular human she isn't supposed to love? That's a conflict! You could say... "She discovers her genes were tampered with, making her an illegal specimen with abilities beyond THE System's planned creation." Because the genes would come before her and the abilities.
ReplyDeleteLeaving her past behind- is this the man she loves or kicking ass the way she was told to as a gladiator? Why does she want to kill The System's ruler- has he done something to her? What's her motive here? What's her goal? Good luck!!
This sounds fascinating! I love reading dystopian fiction, and your book sounds intriguing. I love your first sentence, it’s a great hook: "Axia lives by one motto: kick-ass and don’t ask questions."
ReplyDeleteI noticed a few typos. In your wonderful first sentence, "kick-ass" should be "kick ass" (two separate words without a dash) because the term is used as a verb here. In the second sentence of the first paragraph, "entertain" should be "entertaining". In the first sentence of the second paragraph, "new found" should be "newfound".
Also, the second and third paragraphs become somewhat confusing. How about something like this for those paragraphs (and I would recommend also changing your very last sentence, since I don’t have enough information to know what "seeking a revenge she never knew possible" means...I’m not sure what that means in the context of your story)...
***
Her master notices her newfound independence and as a remorseful favor allows her to win her freedom. She is released and builds a life out of the arena, falls in love and buries her past. But soon, she discovers she has additional abilities, resulting from illegally tampered genes.
As Axia second-guesses who she really is, her creator hunts her down to fulfill the secret project for which she was created: she must kill The System’s ruler. Axia now has to choose between leaving her past behind and seeking a revenge she never knew possible.
***
Good luck with your book! It sounds intriguing!
This sounds intense! Love that first line. It captures the voice really well.
ReplyDeleteTypo: "entertaining" instead of "entertain" in second sentence, first paragraph.
I'd think about changing the first sentence of the second paragraph. You say "her master notices her new found independence...", but has she really won her independence at that point in time? You go on to say "...and as a remorseful favor..." Perhaps you could consider this:
Her master notices her desire for independence and feeling remorseful, allows her to win her freedom.
The second sentence in paragraph two, could be broken down more. Consider this and the rest of the paragraph:
Axia is released and builds a life outside of the arena. She falls in love and buries her past, but soon discovers she has abilities beyond what she was created for. Her genes have been tampered with.
Good luck with this Stephanie. It sounds like a deep, good read. Does Axia fall in love with her former master as well? Lol...conflict girl...lol...it's all about the conflict! *grinning*